Ok, so there was a ton of outrage over the CocaCola ad from the Super Bowl. Racist and bigoted comments flew across social media like most days.
But, those arguments are just so dumb that I won't even talk about them (it's been argued enough).
Instead I choose to educate you on how to speak American.
First, you might want to try speaking one of the many native American languages from the area you might reside today. Now, you may have some trouble finding these languages as many were lost to mass population death by plagues (brought in by European animals), war, or even better: mistreatment or punishment for speaking like savages (I guess we still hang on to some of our awesome roots).
If that's not white enough for you, you might try to speak Old Norse. Some anthropologists date Viking settlement along the Eastern coast of North America even as early as the formation of some Native American tribes.
Of course it may be hard to relate to a Northern European people group that had a territorial coverage larger than Alexander the Great (not under one ruler though, since they were a heavily warring people), so let's try something more Western European. Then let's shoot for Spanish since Columbus was sailing under the Spanish flag when he landed on Hispaniola and Cuba. But, Cuba might be a bit too red for your liking. Then, Portuguese might be better since Columbus essentially stole funding from Portugal before running to the Spanish to go on his exploration. Maybe you'd like to speak Italian, the native language of Amerigo Vespucci, the man who humbly named this land mass after himself.
Now before you go off and say that we live in North Murica so you shouldn't speak Spanish. Check yourself. Do you live in Florida, Georgia, South Carolina, or on the coast of Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, or Texas? Then guess who had settlements in your state…? The Spanish!
If you haven't found your calling to find the true American language. Maybe you might like French. Not to say that the French did much for America. They only set up major trade routes, settled along the Mississippi River and its estuaries as far North as the Dakotas. Not to mention that the United States (and many of the countries that took us as an example) would have stayed a colony of England if the French hadn't lent us supplies, ammunition, almost half of our initial navy, guns, French soldiers, and mercenaries.
Of course, since you haven't chosen one of these languages, then you clearly should be speaking the Queen's English in a land settled by English religious rejects, buggerers, debtors, and prisoners. And for you, here is a picture of Ronald Regan riding a Velociraptor.
